Inside You are 12 Cats Feasting on the Corpse of their Former Owner
Inside you are 12 cats. There was originally just one cat, but the owner and single occupant of the house, Ms. Velma Weissman died, and so the one cat started bringing strays into the house, where they sustained themselves on the corpse of the former owner.
Neighbors became concerned when they noticed a foul odor. Eventually, someone called upon the Oakhurst Police Department to perform a wellness check. One of the responding officers described what he found inside as “the stuff of nightmares.”
Police attempted to notify the next of kin, only to find that Ms. Weissman had but one surviving family member, an estranged adopted son with whom she hasn’t had any contact in over 20 years.
Upon receiving notification that he inherited the home from his estranged adoptive mother, the son, Carl Weissman, made plans to have the house demolished. Carl lived in Oakhurst, Georgia, as well, only a mile down the road from his mother, who lived in the direction of the nearest freeway onramp; Carl would go the long way through town adding 15 minutes to his commute just so he wouldn’t have to see his childhood home on the way to the interstate.
On the day the demolition crew arrived at the Weissman property, a mysterious man appeared identifying himself as Sid Claven, accompanied by an attorney, interrupting the demolition before it could begin by claiming to be a secret child of Velma’s and therefore an heir to the property. From across the street, a priest watched with concern.
Carl Weissman and Sid Claven were tied up in a legal battle that lasted months due, in part, to Claven’s inability to prove his identity let alone his genealogy. Even more peculiar is that, over the course of the trial, it was revealed that Claven’s attorney was not registered with the state bar. In fact, the last time an attorney with his name practiced law in the state of Georgia was in 1806.
Moments later, the priest burst into the chamber clutching a cross and shouting something in Latin. Sid Claven and the lawyer spontaneously burst into flames and merged into a singular entity, a smoldering demon.
The 12 cats that I mentioned earlier began climbing through the windows of the courtroom, attacking the judge, the court reporter and the security officer. Finally there was no one left alive in the courtroom but Carl, the priest, the smoldering demon and the cats.
The cats began to close in on the priest, as the demon, who, as it became apparent to all parties in attendance, had been controlling the cats telepathically, began to cackle.
Suddenly, what was left of the reanimated corpse of Velma Weissman crashed through the doors of the courtroom. “None shall stop the manifestation of the kingdom of the dark lord on this earth!” she bellowed.
The priest desperately shouted in a moment of necessary exposition, “Carl! Your mother had a secret cult lair in the basement of her home where she and her fellow cultists were building a portal to hell, which Satan would use to claim dominion over the the earth, beginning in Oakhurst, Georgia and then gradually expanding outwards.”
Those were the priest’s last words; he was overtaken by a furry fury in a hurry.
As the possessed cats feasted on the priest, Carl turned and faced the demon and the mangled body of his possessed, dead mother; if he could just get to that cross! But the 12 cats were too many, and when Carl approached, they swarmed him.
Anyways, long story short, it’s a metaphor; the cats represent a toxic workplace and the courtroom is our grocery store, and we feel you are why we have a “cat problem”. Or, maybe I’m the cats and you’re Carl and the cats are outside of you rather than inside. Regardless, all that to say, we regret to inform you that we will be terminating your position at GreenHarvest Family Grocers effective immediately.
We wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Gary Shelton
Assistant Manager, GreenHarvest Family Grocers
