What to Do when the Pub that you Never Really Liked Anyway and that is Definitely Not a Metaphor for Twitter gets Bought by a Moron
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Every town has that bar: the one with the well-worn seats at just the right height to accommodate the elbows of despair that slowly sand paintless patches into the countertops. The one with the air conditioner that always makes that sound when it kicks on. The kind of place where you’ve thought, “If I took all of the time and energy I’ve spent here listening to morons talk out of their asses and instead spent it at my laptop, I could’ve finished my first novel.” Or, “I bet I would add at least fives years to my lifespan by deleting this app.” I mean bar. Shit.
Anyways, here’s a list of things you can do with your free time instead of wasting it on Twitter.
Call your grandparents.
Or if they’re not around, your parents, or if they’re not around, call someone who is alive. It will be weird, because people don’t call people. The trick is to never acknowledge the weirdness. Just make small talk for about 10 minutes.
Here is a good template.
(Minute 1: Intro) Well, I just thought I would give you a call and see what you’re up to.
(Minutes 2–4: What they’ve been up to lately) So what have you been up do lately?
(Minutes 5–7: What you’ve been up to lately) Oh, me? My grandparents and parents died and therefore several of you have moved up the “people to call” list.
(Minute 8: Anecdote or specific question) Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you, what do you think about Larry Bird? (or) There is a strange woman outside my apartment wearing a garbage can for a hat.
(Minute 9–10: Wrap it up) *long pause* *deep inhale* Welp …”
Go for a walk.
Did you know that the wide majority of fatal accidents happen within one mile of your home? This is why, back when things were nice, I used to walk out my door and immediately run as fast as possible, until I reached the safe zone. But nowadays? I take my time. Sometimes I just stand outside my door and wait. But it never comes.
Buy Myspace.
The early 2000s social media giant is currently listed on Craigslist for $2,000 (cash only) which might be a lot for an impulse buy but if a few of your buddies pool your resources, you possibly could work out some sort of a timeshare situation.
Talk all of your Facebook and Instagram friends into signing up for a paid account on Medium since they’re no longer going to be able to read your shit for free by accessing it on Twitter.
Something about Mastodon.
Someone told me to google Mastodon but I don’t know if they meant the animal or the band or like … I don’t know.
Create a sock account on Twitter.
Follow Eric Alexander Moore on LiveJournal.
